All I Know about Human Relationships, I Learnt from Watching Football (Musings of a Football Fanatic 2)


                                                 The Football Club

In any relationship there are two genders of participants involved, the guy and the lady; we have represented them with the football club and the football player respectively.

The football club is the initiator of the relationship (especially in the African culture), he is the one that sends out scouts to check the availability of the player, he is the one that that opens talks with the player with the possibility of tying her to a contract, when the player finally signs a contract he is the one that is expected to provide the player with wages and incentives to keep the player happy. The player wears his brand and essentially belongs to him. Also the occasional offers to upgrade a player’s status must come from him. The only difference in this case is that a buying club negotiates with the player directly instead of the selling club (if there is one), except in extreme cases

Now that we have established who the football club is in the relationship we shall then proceed to the categories of football club. Football clubs can be divided into three categories:

Wolverhampton Wanderers: A small fry whom nobody recognizes, and who has to struggle day to day in order to survive. His lack of prospects means good football players generally avoid him like a plague, he is generally forced to play with players who are third rate because he simply does not have the resources to attract good players, if he does attract any good players, big clubs are always lurking around to swoop down and carry them away, sometimes using underhanded methods to do so. Money is the name of the game and he has none. The famous Yoruba humorous anecdote “Olowo gba Iyawo Ole, Ole n se laahilaa” (the rich man snatches the wife of the weakling, the weakling can only sigh in resignation) applies to him. Sometimes it is because he is just a small fish struggling in a big pond, and sometimes it is due to his own financial recklessness and greed like Portsmouth. One thing that is clear is that unless his fortune somehow changes (either by a sudden windfall or a change in his own financial orientation as the case may be), his lack of prospects means he is unlikely going to be able to move beyond his struggling financial status

Borussia Dortmund: while he is not a Real Madrid, he is not Wolves either. He is comfortable, he might not be able to get everything he wants, but he can get everything he needs.  Borussia Dortmund type football clubs mostly start out as Wolverhampton clubs who have managed to turn their fortunes around through hard work and careful financial management. This means they are ambitious, sometimes even ruthlessly so.  He is well off enough to maintain his own facilities, and once in while he can even spend money on luxuries. This means that he will generally get good players to play with.  However he cannot get the high maintenance players because he still has to watch his pocket. In spite of this the football club may occasionally punch above his weight, giving the impression that he is actually richer than he is. Generally this type of club get by because he can afford to pay his players, but if he is unlucky enough to end up with a Real Madrid type club as his neighbor, his good but modestly paid players could be trapped, and lured away by the rich neighbour who promises them even greater luxury than they enjoy at their present club.

 Real Madrid: Money is the name of the game and he has plenty of it to throw around, while some (Real Madrid, Barcelona) have always the top dog, some (Manchester United, Bayern Munich) are Dortmund types clubs who worked hard to get to the top, some are (Chelsea, Manchester City) are Borussia Dortmund type clubs who got a sudden windfall and some of them are Oviedo type clubs who hit an insane amount of money (PSG, Zenit St Petersburg). It doesn’t matter how the Real Madrid type club got his money, what matters is how he spends it. He goes for anything he wants and he gets it. He believes every player has a price and he has the cash to pay for any price There is nothing that can stop him from getting whatever he wants; he is not above trampling on the feelings of football clubs who don’t have as much as he does in order to get the player he wants from them. His players are all high maintenance because he is the only one that has the resources to spoil them silly. He is the kind of club that every player wants to play for and which every agent tries to offer their player to. He is the kind of football player that other football clubs are jealous of and therefore hate. For the Real Madrid football club his ego and vanity is usually directly proportional to the amount of money he has, he hates being challenged and will do anything to undermine any perceived rivals especially if such rivals are below him in the money charts.

What we have here is only an overview of the football club, in a subsequent edition of the series we shall have a detailed discussion of the characteristics of each type of football club mentioned as well as the Pros and Cons of playing for each type of football club mentioned above.

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