Guest writer Penocrat Ayomide is back to the the blog this week, and her rant today is about old people, who use their age as a get out of jail free card. As usual, she invites you to have fun and burst your ribs with laughter, in her own unique way.
I never knew old age was a very huge achievement, until two weeks ago, when I walked into Roban stores to buy bread. On getting to the bakery section, I was met with a heartbreaking queue. Hian! Who did I offend? So today of all days that I decided to taste this over hyped bread, that is when the entire city also remembered to eat bread as well?
Village people Wehdone Ooo! I see una. This conspiracy and gangup are dope.
After much ado, I kuku respected my age and national ID number and joined the excruciating queue. Village people cannot win me. Who no wan chop bread of life??
Before I knew it, a smallish elderly man, joined the queue as well. He was directly at my back. To help my ministry till e reach my turn, I brought out my phone and began scrolling absentmindedly. Just then, Oga screamed:
“Enough of all this rubbish! I can’t stand in this queue. I can’t stand! You people don’t have respect for elderly people. No, you don’t! I can’t stand here! “
Goose pimples ran down my spine. I turned back to behold the smallish man with this kind of thunderous voice that almost gave me a heart attack. Then Oga faced me…
“come, why are you looking at me? Why??? Do you know me? I’m I owing you? You don’t have respect! That is why you can see an elderly man and still stand in his front on the queue. Nigeria is a useless country! I can’t stand here. I just can’t stand!” He shouted again.
Hian! Lekwa’m e kpom shoe! All these old people feeling like they’ve made it in life because they are old. E gbami! ” Oga did I do anything wrong to you?” I asked.
“Are you deaf? I said I can’t stand on this queue! ” He replied.
For my mind, I was like Toh! Instead of shouting inside my ear as if I’m holding your destiny, kuku lie down for ground till e reach your turn na. No be must to stand. You no get connection to buy bread. You no wan stand. You no even get good mouth to plead with people way dey front to help you collect ontop their own. You think say everything na by old age and ranting? You never jam! Dey there dey form ancient of days.
You go old pass the old age way you dey claim today. Ooo chim! All this old people with warped sense of entitlement sef.
Some time later, oga walked straight to the counter to one of the female bakers. “My fren! Distribute this bread quickly and let me get out of here! This queue is not moving! I can’t be standing in this queue. My fren move this queue!!!” My fren move this queue bawo?The Aunty na towing van? Oya na. The lady tried to pacify him, as per old man wey him be. She told him to exercise patience that the bread wasn’t yet ready. Oga wan mad.
” You people have poor management here. Seriously! Don’t tell me that the bread isn’t ready Move this queue!”
“Oga take it easy. The bread is not yet ready. ” another person told him.
“You people don’t understand. You don’t know where I’m coming from. I can’t stand! ” He shouted back.
Laugh wan tear my bra that day. Which kain wahala be this. Ontop ordinary bread fa!
People dey Facebook dey argue whether marriage na achievement or not. Mtcheew!
Old age is the real achievement. Go chew on that!
See how persin dey threaten us upandan with old age. Oga Na only you be the old person wey dey for line? So as you old now, Wetin you wan make I do? Turn my bra to sun glasses? You can’t stand. You can’t stand. Standing na anybody talent for here? Oga nobody is born a ‘natural stander’ no dey threaten us Abeg.
Suddenly, a male baker started distributing the loaves of bread accordingly. Oga ran to the front to collect bread. One joyless aunty come block am. “Mr. Man go and queue on the queue. I have been waiting for this bread. I was here before you. You cannot chance anybody here. We are not fools! We did not make you old! ”
“Madam I am not your mate! Don’t talk to me laidat! Don’t! If you don’t respect your parents at home, don’t try it with me!” The aunty kept quiet, collected her bread and left. Nawa o! All this big big grammar ontop bread? This bread na really bread of life o. It isn’t an ordinary sontin. God Abeg o.
The loaves of bread were remaining just two by the the time it was my turn. I collected both of them. I looked at Oga’s face. E don strong finish like yesterday eba. Oga eye me ehn. wetin concern me? I carried my hot loaves and walked out jare. O’n pe!
If na like that Methuselah take bully Israelites, them for no write him name enter Bible. Mtcheew!
Dear Old bullies,
The world doesn’t revolve around you.
As in, you people are not the centre of the universe. Una hear?
When you get into a place filled with young people, be nice with your words. If you can’t queue, plead! Old age is not a ticket to the good life. Nobody owes you nothing!
Stop playing the ‘ I am not your mate’ card. No dey threaten us.
Our birth certificate no dey inside una bag!
Stop acting as if everything is owed you.
Kill that unnecessary sense of entitlement.
Kill it! It only portrays you as a self-absorbed overgrown and immature bully with a false sense of power!
Think healthily! Who old age don Epp? All the abroad people are busy doing surgeries, workouts and different kinds of soft work on their bodies just to be forever young. Look at the president of France wife. See her better flat tummy fa! at six four o. While Nigerians are busy wearing the kain old age like a cloak of honour and forming ancestors upandan. Hian!
Nonsense and 1960!