On Cooking, Manhood, and this thing called Feminism

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The thoughts that are contained within this here piece have been threatening to burst out ever since someone posted that video of the General Overseer of the Redeemed Christian Church of God, Pastor E.O. Adeboye where he talked about what makes people marriageable. However, I didn’t find an outlet to channel it through until someone started a conversation on twitter last week  by asking tweeps how long their sexual intercourse sessions lasted. The replies were interesting, with tweeps  reporting  sessions ranging from as short as five minutes to as long as one and a half hours.

The thread made me remember when I was in secondary school. That time my younger friends and I had older colleagues and classmates who used to tell us about their sexcapades. I remember clearly listen to one tell us that he once had sex with a girl for three straight hours. Of course like the naive kids that we were, we lapped up the  information. These days that we know more about this sex thing and the human anatomy (make of that what you will),  I have come to realize that a lot of the stories that struck us with awe might just have been embellished. This leads me to ask the question Why do men often feel the need to embellish their sex stories?

That again reminds of a story a friend told me about a lady he had sex with one time. Even though it has been five years since he told me that story it still makes me laugh when I remember it. They had gone two rounds and my friend said he had expelled all his energy and was left completely drained. The girl went “is that the best you can do? I am barely feeling anything” My friend said “well sorry about that, but I don’t have the energy to go any further than this.” He promptly stood up got dressed and left the room. My friend concluded that the  girl spread the news about him among her friends, but he didn’t even care about that one bit and that it was the last time he ever went near her. If only all men were that refreshingly honest.

The discussion today is not about sex per se, all the sex talk was just leading somewhere. What it is about is the tendency of us young men to whip out our dicks and measure them. This is not to be taken  literally of course, but in terms of us jumping out all guns blazing to confront real and imagined assaults on our masculinity.

When the issue of cooking versus not cooking came up on social media the other day, and some “feminists” kept going on about how it is wrong to define a woman by whether she cooks or not, a lot of men raised reasoned arguments against them, but most of the men who joined in the conversation just put out snarky lines like  “You will not find a man to marry you, if you can’t cook”, “some of these feminists slave for their husbands and boyfriends and they come here to form twitter standards,” and so on. It was in the midst of the testosterone-fuelled snarkiness that someone went and dug up that Daddy G.O video that supports the notion that women must learn to cook or else…

A few days ago again, another issue, that of just how much a man should earn before a woman should marry him, came up. It started with a self-styled men rights activist jumping on the tweets of a lady in Canada  who was just tweeting at random and getting his male followers to harass her about how she is not a wife material and nobody will marry her, and how she is in Canada on a student visa and she would soon be forced to return to Nigeria. All this harassment just because a woman made her choices known.

I am not arguing that you can’t have your standards as to who you want to marry or be friends with, but replying  “You will not find a man to marry you” and “it’s all for show anyway”  in reply to legitimate questions of women being allowed to make  their own choices as men do,  reeks of small-minded arrogance. As men, if we (I am also included) cannot reasonable ways of maintaining control beyond the “I will not marry you” narrative it means we have a serious problem. Okay, so you will not marry her? And then what? The size of her breasts will reduce? Or she will not make heaven? Or she will die?

I was reading the other day when I got a flash of insight on the issue of prostitution. The reason why prostitution and all variants of it  are scorned is not the fact that the people who engage in it are making money, it is because the women who engage in it are independent women who get to make choices about who they want to give their bodies to. We may couch our beliefs in the cloak of whatever belief systems we want, but the underlying truth is that if we snark ” I cannot marry you.” or “You will not find a man to marry you.” in their faces they will just laugh back in our faces “who cares” and continue fucking whoever they want and making their money. That makes us men (mostly) really angry.

Again I am not saying we should all support prostitution, or not have our standards. However, there is a limit to how much you can snark at and threaten people regardless of gender before they tell you to go fuck yourself. It is not just a man vs woman thing, it is the same issue with Christians and unbelievers.For so long we (men) have just assumed we are the more superior species and any attempts for the female gender for some control is met with needless testosterone-fuelled aggression.  An older married friend once told me “the world has changed.  Everybody regardless of gender has realized that  they can now make their own choices about their lives. The era of the man thinking he gets to make all the choices because he has the dick is over,so if you hope to marry, you better pray for a woman whose choices match yours or else even your dick will not save you from getting seriously fucked.”

If a lady says she wants to marry a man that earns a million naira a month or she won’t cook for her husband. It is not your business to harass or snark at her. It is ultimately her choice and you are going to look as silly as hell when she manages to achieve it. The principle still stands that “if you want something badly enough and you are willing to do everything to achieve it, the universe will it for you.” does the Universe care whether you have a penis or a vagina? I think not. The truth is that we as men will get to point where like my friend we will have to admit “I don’t think I have the power for this, maybe we should just cut this pair of  trousers into shorts, so that we can both wear it, and quit arguing about who should wear the trousers.”

When I was younger, I was scared to ask out girls because I felt rejection would mean I am not man enough. Now that I am older and I have now realized that a woman saying she doesn’t like me is her choice and doesn’t reduce the size of my penis one bit ( yeah I check after each one, and run along now you perv, there is nothing to see here). It helps me sleep better at night and the doctor says it will extend my lifespan. Besides, when God sent me into the world, he didn’t send me to be anybody’s minder. So there’s that.

Thanks to @subomiplumptre for allowing me to use screenshots of her tweets, and for providing some inspiration for this piece

BURN


Remember  Temilade Agboola whose untitled poetry  featured on the blog a few weeks ago? she is back again with another poem. she shared this poem with me, so I challenged myself to write a short backstory to capture such an evocative piece of poetry. It took a while but I have something that I think captures what I intend to do. I hope you like both the poem and the story.

Burn- Lade Agboola (@milkylade)

It came,

From a spark;

It came

And I watched how my love for you turned to a flame

And the flame warmed the embers of my cold soul

As I loved you more and more

You consumed

My heart, my life

My world burned at your love

But that’s what love does

Burns

You burnt my world down

Razed it to the ground

And I’m left

To start over

With nothing but ashes of an old flame

And me playing the blame game

Burn- Bayo Adegbite (@beebayuu)

The tears are flowing freely as I pen these words, but only inside. My eyes are dry and clear as I wait for the big day. There is terribly little to do when you are on the death row. One of the wardens here has been very nice to me. Maybe it is because of the fact that I keep to myself most of the time and the fact that I am not violent. We do not talk much but she tries to help me while she can, at least as far as she can for a woman sentenced to die. When I asked her for a piece of paper and a pen, she readily provided. Maybe she thinks I am a writer or something. I don’t know if it isn’t against prison regulations to give death row inmates potential murder or suicide weapons, but she didn’t say and I didn’t ask either.

The words flow on the paper, but the tears still won’t come. I am sad because I am afraid of death, but I cannot cry because I do not regret killing you, you deserved to die. I deserve to die too. If we do meet on the other side, if the other side exists, I will listen to the explanation you were planning to give me before I stabbed you in the neck with the broken shard of the Hennessey you had been drinking. Maybe then I will tell you why you deserved to die.

I don’t know if I still do now, or maybe I am unwilling to admit it to myself, but I loved you. You were not my first love of course, but you were my first true one.  You made my spirit soar and fly among the stars. With you, I walked to the music of heaven all day. Every time I was in your arms, my heart silently gave thanks to whatever deity was up there for bringing us together. Our love was made in heaven.  If there was indeed another side you would remember the first night we made love, how we had both been drinking and something led to something else. That night, the experience felt like your soul had taken mine and flown to heaven and we were just a couple of angels, lying there lazy and naked in a bed of  clouds  and just giggling and  whispering sweet nothings to each other

It was the damn blood test that changed everything, you see. It wasn’t even intentional; it was just a random act of altruism. I had donated blood for one of these damn blood drives that they do.  I just wanted to be was a decent  human being, so I was extremely surprised when the doctor from the general hospital who was supervising the blood drive thing called me for a chat with and the first question she  asked me if I was sexually active. Of course, it felt preposterous, I wasn’t pregnant, I was sure of that. At any rate who determines pregnancy through a blood test? I was even more shocked when after much beating about the bush; the doctor finally came out and told me that I am HIV positive. In fact shocked was an understatement, it was the day I began to die. After going to two more hospitals and confirming that it was indeed HIV, I knew the end had come. I had any doubt that it was you. You gave me my life back, so it was fitting that you would give me death too.

I know the whole, people living with HIV/AIDS can still live a healthy and productive Bla Bla Bla… but you had betrayed me. That was the day I died.  So that day when I came to your house, it was not because of me, for I was already dead, it was to warn you. When I saw you ploughing her and working her body as you used to do for me, I didn’t feel betrayed by your cheating, dead people feel nothing. Your pleadings to “explain everything” fell on deaf ears because you were pleading with a dead woman. As the broken bottle went into your stomach and then into your neck, I kept telling myself that it was not for me and not for you, for you were already dead. I did it for that other girl, for the women of the world who were going to die like us, because of you. Don’t worry I have kept your secret. I have continued to maintain your image of a lover boy who was stabbed by his crazy, murderous girlfriend. Dead people tell no stories you see?

How is it possible to be dead yet to be afraid of death? I doubt if anybody can answer this, yet I am afraid to die. If the other side or reincarnation is as real as they say, maybe I can start again and not have to make a terrible choice like you. I have nobody else to blame though because I enjoyed it while it was good. At least I owe you that

The tears still won’t flow, but why should they? Dead people don’t cry, after all. The friendly warden is at the door of my cell now. I don’t know if she just wants to talk, or to collect the pen and paper back, or to announce that the big hour has come.

 

I loved this challenge and I would love to challenge myself to write prose backstories for poetry, so watch out for more backstory challenges from this space

 

On Vultures, Eagles and Living The Good Life 

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The other day at a youth empowerment seminar I was in, a particular guest speaker was talking about the differences between working for a salary and being your own boss and “in charge of your own destiny.” The speaker compared the paid worker to a vulture and the entrepreneur to an eagle. The vulture is always at the mercy of other animals, it only gets to eat their sometimes rotten leavings. An eagle on the other hand gets to eat the choicest freshly killed prey. As he went on with reeling facts and figures about the likes of Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg to support his Eagles versus Vultures theory, it suddenly occurred to me that our motivational speaker might have good intentions with his analogy, but the aforementioned analogy is fundamentally flawed. Our speaker was too busy trying to psyche his eager listeners up, to put his explanation and his facts and figures into proper context. I will explain what I mean.

     These days thanks to globalization and the democratization of ICT, being an entrepreneur is no longer as hard as it used to be. Unfortunately this has created a generation of obnoxious entrepreneurs who think they are better than all those people who do nine to five jobs, because they “are in charge of their destinies”. Our motivational speaker is hardly unique, there are many like him on social media who go on ad nauseam about how they made so and so times the amount of money, they made working for a salary, as an entrepreneur. A flaw in the Eagle versus Vulture argument is this, supposing something happens and  every single living thing in that place is killed, the eagle will starve while the vulture will have plenty to eat. That is not even the main problem,  what happens if there are suddenly so many dead things in a place and there are no vultures or hyenas or natural processes to dispose of them?  Clap for yourself if you answered that it could cause a biological disaster which could kill all the fresh prey of the eagle. The takeaway from this is that, The eagle which views  the vulture with disdain for being a slave, does not realize that  it is that vulture that is literally keeping it  from starvation.

  That is why I always laugh out loud when “entrepreneurs” start laughing at 9 to 5 workers. For instance to register a business you have to be at the Corporate Affairs Commission, without a 9 to 5 worker, you won’t even be able to register your business, maybe you need a business account, it is a 9 to 5 cashier that will attend to you when you walk into the bank, otherwise you don’t have a business. Maybe the business needs to pay tax, it is a 9 to 5 worker who will file your tax returns for you, and otherwise you aren’t going to have a business for long. You need land for your business? You have to verify with 9 to 5 government officials before you can get any land to use.  I can go on and on, but I am sure  you get my point. The irony is that Nigeria is at the moment a place where stuff is collapsing and things are dying, Eagles won’t survive here, vultures however will have a swell time.

  One of the things that never fail to make me roll my eyes is when motivational speakers or anybody in particular starts a rant about how education is useless because a lot of educated people end up working for illiterate people. The question I always ask is that “if the said illiterate man thinks not having an education makes no difference. Why doesn’t he employ illiterate people like him to help him run his business then?” it is the same reason why I really want to slap people like our motivational speaker when they spout examples of people like Bill Gates and Mark Zukerberg who “dropped out of school” and have become billionaires. Yes Zuckerberg is a dropout and he is a billionaire, but let us remove all the techies and the lawyers and the people doing Facebook’s accounting (all of whom finished school and learnt something from the “useless” educational system) and see if Zuckerberg can run Facebook on his own. Ditto for Steve Jobs, or Bill Gates or any of the entrepreneurs you can think of.

 The real problem is this, everybody wants to do exploits like Jesus Christ, nobody wants to be like the unimportant John the Baptist, who had little to do except prepare the way for Jesus Christ. The thing however is that without the things that John did, Jesus would never have become who he wanted to become. It smacks of a culture of basing success on quantity and size instead of on quality, that the CEO in the big office is the one making a difference. “What does that cleaning lady or that janitor even do?”  (As if the CEO will be able to make any difference if the office was dirty or the doors were left open and thieves came in and stole office equipment).

The truth of the matter is this: making a difference is not about being able to brag on social media about how much money you are now making as an entrepreneur, so don’t let any “entrepreneur” or motivational speaker goad you into feeling like you are useless because you have a nine to five job. It is a lesson I learnt from using my parents as case studies. Both of them have been 9-5 workers all their lives, yet they have been able to build houses, buy cars and train five children through school. And throughout the time we were in school none of us were ever sent home for defaulting on school fees, neither did any of us ever go to school hungry, or with torn uniforms or books. There is nothing wrong with being a nine to five worker, there is nothing wrong with being in charge of your destiny either. Don’t, I repeat, don’t ever let anybody use high sounding words, grandiose but ultimately meaningless analogies and out of context facts and figures to convince you otherwise.   

GUEST POST: TEMILADE AGBOOLA’S UNTITLED POETRY


Hello folks thanks for joining me on the blog today. My guest post today is poetry  from Temilade Agboola. Although  she is a relatively  new poet, who is  just finding her feet on the blogsphere,  Temilade’s body of work shows the markings of an excellent poet.  I enjoy her poetry because it is evocative, expressive, inspirational and brief. Here is the third poem in her series of Untitled Poems. I am sure you will enjoy it

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UNTITLED III

And after you’ve given me a kick here

A slap there, twisting my hands, pulling my hair

Carry me to our satin sheets

With my tear stained cheeks

And tell me, “baby I love you”

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to

As the tears stream down my face

You begin to take your place

Between my thighs, trying to make it go away

And look me in my eyes as you feast on my body

I wonder, can you see the bruises?

The ones on my face and on my heart

Have I really vowed till death do us part?

With this ring you promised to fade my scars

But you’ve only cut the stitches open again

 

Temilade wants you to say something nice about her poetry on http://www.justteenagewasteland.wordpress.com you can follow her on twitter @milkylade 

 

ON FAITH, RELIGION AND THE BIBLE AS A HOLY BOOK


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The post today was first written as a status update on Facebook yesterday the 6th of July 2016. Because of the reception it got there, I have decided to share it here for you my non Facebook friends to benefit from it. I hope you like it.

Two reasons prompted this piece. The first was something a Muslim follower of tweeted in the aftermath of the Ramadan bombings in Medina, Saudi Arabia, when the sentiment again spread that Islam is a warmongering religion. “I hope one day Christians experience what Muslims go through with being pigeonholed as terrorists because of a few bad eggs among them.” The thought among the presumably non Muslim people(a thought which is not shared by this writer) is that if Muslims could be callous enough to bomb their most holy cities, where else was safe from their violence? I wanted to explain why it isn’t and should not be possible to pigeonhole Christians that way.

The second reason is that during a twitter conversation on faith and religion a twitter feminist and “atheist” once told me that she feels that God is sexist and chauvinist, using Paul’s message in 1Corinthians 14:34-35 as basis for her argument. To her if God is as fair and just as Christians claim he is, He  will not allow one of his most influential apostles to make such disparaging comments about women.  I could not immediately get a rebuttal to her argument so I resolved to study it for myself to see if she indeed had a point. However while I searched for that rebuttal I got an amazing insight into the nature of God, Jesus Christ, Christianity and the Bible.

   A lot of religions have some sort of Holy Book. A collection of teachings laid down by their different deities and teachings from the venerated figures within their faiths. These teachings make up the moral code for the devotees of the respective religions. Because of the nature of the books and the things contained in it, the book itself is ascribed some form of pure and holy status. In our own case as Christians, our holy book is the Bible, which we believe to be inspired by the God and has no fault whatsoever.

      However, there is a problem with the way a lot of us Christians perceive the bible, and tragically we keep passing these wrong perception from generation to generation. The perception is that the Bible is the holiest book of all and that it is God that practically guided the hands of the writers to write it. Therefore its ruling on every and any issue cannot and must not be challenged even if that ruling  seems confusing  within the modern day context. Unfortunately this often make Christians look like quarrelsome and fanatical bigots who can’t seem to argue logically about  issues and who respond to anyone who dares to point out any anomaly within the bible with sullen snobbery, or  belligerent insults. This may allow you win arguments, but you are not going to win an unbeliever  into the vineyard by insulting or snubbing them.

       My father often says something, whenever we his children or anyone else questions him about why sections of the Old and the New testament in the Bible seem so contradictory. He would say: “As Christians, the New testament is our constitution. The Old testament is like a book of by-laws. Whenever there is a conflict between the Old and the New testament, the New testament wins out, because it is the testament of our Lord Jesus Christ.” He would add, “God sent Jesus Christ to create the new testament because he saw that the old testament is no longer adequate for us, as his children.”

     The thing about the bible is that while it may have been inspired by God, it was written by men. It was not sent down from heaven, it was written on earth. it is just a paper book. If you put it in water it will become soggy. If you put it in fire, it will burn. If you put it it in a place infested with termites, the termites will happily eat it. The people that wrote its books are no angels either, David who wrote most of the psalms was an adulterer and a murderer, Jeremiah who wrote the book that bears his name was a timid young man who was afraid for his life. Paul was an apostate turned apostle. They were not angels and none of them ever gave the impression that they were .

         So am I then arguing that the bible should be disregarded? Far from it. If we look at Acts 10, God lets a huge sheet down in front of Peter, with all manner of unclean animals the Jews were commanded in the books of Moses not to eat, and tells Peter “rise kill and eat. Peter replies ” God, you know that I have never eaten anything unclean.” God replies him: “Whatever I the Lord has made clean, don’t you call unclean. ” That gave me pause. Was it not God that said those animals were unclean in the the first place? Why is he contradicting himself? However God didn’t say “This means I have now rendered  the law of Moses invalid.” He only gave Peter a new set of instructions based on the position Peter was in at the time. That passage in Acts reminds me of something one of my teachers in secondary school told me about science. According to him:”When an hypothesis has been tested, it becomes a theory. When a theory has been extensively tested it becomes a law. If a law is however, challenged and said law fails, it does not mean the law is now invalid, it only means there are certain points that the law does not cover.”
       This means if what Paul said in 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 does not fit into current day issues, it doesn’t mean Paul is a liar, or that he is confused  or that the Bible is contradicting itself.  What it means is that what Paul said isn’t just applicable to our reality. This is where the spirit of God comes in. Jesus Christ envisaged these issues when he was going into heaven, that was why he promised to send a spirit which would be, among other things, a teacher. This is why as Christians we must be careful of slavish obedience to the letters in the book instead of the spirit that gives those letters life.

     Our God is not an archaic God. He is dynamic. He understands changing realities and gives us understanding to match it. He understands the value of negotiation and he changes his mind based on issues. It is true that he gave us a book to live by, but he doesn’t want us to serve the book, and forget he who gave us the book.

   Would God for example support feminist activism, despite the general perception of the Bible being phallocentric? If you are talking about Feminism that has helped women get the right to vote and be voted for, the right of women to be free from repressive laws, equal opportunities in the work place and freedom of expression, I don’t think God is against it, I don’t care if the Bible doesn’t spell out every single case where a woman was properly treated. For those “I too know” Christians and Atheists alike who would want to shove the Bible under my nose because of my stance on certain issues, I have a message for you, I don’t serve the Bible, I serve God, the omniscient, immortal giver of the Bible.

ALL I KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNT FROM WATCHING FOOTBALL V


Hello folks, thanks for following my series, Contemplations of a Football Fan. I started this series in April but due to some projects I had at hand, I was forced to take a break in May after the fourth post. Now that I have a bit of free time, It is time to continue with the series. Today’s post is post number five, and I hope you enjoy it as you enjoyed the previous four. I want to apologize profusely for slacking off and I hope I can finish the series without interruption this time.

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V.

The Only Thing Constant is Change

There is nobody who knows anything about football that doesn’t know Wales and Real Madrid  superstar Gareth Bale. He is the highest record transfer in the world (100 million Euros to Real Madrid in 2013). Even though he is still in his twenties, he is already arguably the best Wales player of all time. Bale is currently at the European Championships in France and he has been one of the standout performers in the competition. The 26 year old has led from the front and has been scoring for fun, as Wales, one of the least rated nations in the tournament embark on a quest to be among the best in Europe.

However, Bale has not always been a frontman, he actually started his career as a left back. it was erstwhile Tottenham Hotspurs manager Harry Redknapp that decided that  his athleticism, skill and speed would be put to better use as a winger and converted him to a left winger. Bale took to his new role like a fish to water, performing so well on the left wing that he won the  English Premier League’s Professional Footballers Association Player of the year in 2013, which made Spanish Club Real Madrid pay a record breaking fee to buy him. When he got to Spain, Bale discovered that his favourite left wing position was already taken by club star player, Cristiano Ronaldo, so  he had to switch to the right wing. He soon became one of the mainstays of the Real Madrid team even from his unfamiliar position. And when he thought that was it, Wales came calling and as the Welsh had no decent strikers, Bale has been called to either lead the line or support the main striker at the Euros so far, and he has been excellent in both positions. What that means is that in the last five years or so of his career Gareth Bale has played in five different positions, and he has excelled in all of them.

The reason why I started today’s piece with the Gareth Bale story is to point out that the maxim: “the only thing constant in life is change” applies to football the way it applies to life. Like Bale, when life turns we must turn with it. In whatever we do, we must be ready to adapt to change, or we will not survive in a changing world that waits for no one. Like a stream, we must continually be flowing. if we don’t flow, we become like a stagnant pool, which soon becomes dirty and useless. It reminds me of all the things I have read about how the dinosaurs went extinct. Though there are different theories about the event that wiped the beasts out, but the common thing to all of those theories is that something happened to change the world the dinosaurs lived in, and they died because they couldn’t cope with that change.

Everybody who watches football knows that the deadliest partnership in football right now, is the FC Barcelona  triumvirate of  Neymar, Luis Suarez and Lionel Messi. What makes the three of them so dangerous together? Individually each of the three is a gifted footballer in his own right, however in the Barcelona team, the three move as a unit. They swap positions constantly, using their speed to create swift interchanges that keep opposing defenders confused as to how to mark and contain them. That is why they keep excelling and their partnership is synonyms with goal scoring attacking potency.

I remember that the very first topic we were taught in Integrated Science, the year I entered Secondary School was characteristics of living things. One of the attributes we learned was G-Growth, which is described by the English Dictionary as an “increase in size, value or strength.” If you are not preparing to grow, you are preparing to die. Imagine for a moment that Gareth Bale failed to make a successful transition to a right winger at Real Madrid, he would have had to play second fiddle to Ronaldo all his career, consigned to be forever second rate. Because he changed and adapted, he earned his place in Real Madrid’s own triumvirate alongside Cristiano Ronaldo and Karim Benzema. I could go on with more examples of players who became superstars by transitioning to positions other than their preferred ones, but I feel the Bale story is lesson enough. Football is simple enough just like life. Be ready to change or be ready to die.

Movie Reviews: Now You See Me 2


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Genre: Action
Running Time: 129 minutes
Director: John M. Chu
Release Date: June 10

I went to see Now You See Me part 2, the sequel to the acclaimed Now You See Me. After the awesomeness of the first movie I was eager to see what Ed Solomon and John M. Chu had up their sleeves this time for the second movie of what is likely going to turn into a franchise at some point. Suffice to say I ended up leaving  the screening room with mixed feelings. There are parts of the movie that were awesome enough, but for the most part it was a let down; and that is putting it mildly.
    The movie was sharp out of the starting blocks, setting the tone for a fast paced exciting action movie, with twists and turns that got the viewers excited and  wanting more. However it runs out of steam halfway through and drags ass to a limp finish. Some of the tricks performed by the Horsemen,(e.g that scene in the lab to steal the chip), were awesome, but it seemed the director hoped that the magic trick scenes will keep the audience hooked enough for it to not notice the threadbare plot and the utter lack of conflict and suspense in the entire movie. The skimpy plot meant the clever scenes gets unnecessarily dragged out, which make them lose any iota of tension they should have created for the viewer. It also makes it difficult to take the whole movie seriously.
A movie about magic is supposed to heighten excitement and leave the audience buzzing as they leave the cinema.  Any attempt that Now You See Me 2 might have made to do that is undercut by its own ridiculous plot conveniences, idiot balls,(why didn’t Arthur Tressler just shoot Rhodes full of holes and dump his body into the water) Chekov’s guns  and ass pulls.  Abilities that don’t work until the plot needs them to (Hypnosis doesn’t work that way folks are you guys too cheap to hire real doctors or what?), villiains whose motivations make no sense in the movie’s context and who  carry the idiot ball so much that no audience member older than six years with a working brain would consider them a threat to the heroes (which shits on anything resembling realism in  the movie ). The movie twists and turns its way into reveals that not only piss on the premise of the entire movie, but also  make the awesome scenes pointless. For example the movie reveals that the owner of the lab was working for the Eye all along, so what was the point of the elaborate action set piece to steal the Mc Guffin scene? Perhaps the biggest one that made me almost roll my eyes to the back of my head was the half assed  reveal that Thaddeus Bradley played by  Morgan Freeman was the Eye all along, a reveal which vomited on not only the entire plot of this movie, but also rendered the entire last movie irrelevant. A reveal that the director hoped he could half ass by distracting us with Morgan Freeman’s voice (He couldn’t). At the end of the day it feels like you are watching  Harry Potter, back when Harry Potter was still a movie for children. Can Someone call John M. Chu aside and tell him that saying that magic being the premise of a movie is not a free pass for said movie to shit as it likes on its own internal universe?
  While we are talking about Harry Potter, I feel the director of Now You See Me tried to create a cool by association bromance (Magic,  mythical imagery and all) with Harry Potter by bringing Harry Potter himself as Walter Marbury, the tech enthusiast bad guy. However if you are casting one of the greatest wizards of all time in your magic movie, maybe don’t cast him as a bad guy. Daniel Radcliffe pretty much did his best impression of every thing you hated about Jesse Eisenberg in Batman Vs Superman:Dawn of Justice. As for Michael Caine, who plays Arthur Tressler, the bad guy from the first movie, one suspects that his days being a character that makes any sort of impact in movies are long past, he is just using movies as his pension fund now, basically getting paid to do nothing. Other than the two bad guys, the acting was generally okay, I think the Horsemen all did very well, especially Lula May, played by Lizzy Caplan, whose energy and irreverence seemed to reinforce the image of the Horsemen from the first movie. Jesse Eisenberg, still did a bit of his Lex Luthor whinny, sentient face punch impression, but he did tone it down a bit, and it looked better here, than it did in that giant turd of a movie (You know which one). One more thing, China should just discard their  own movie industry since Hollywood is theirs these days. FFS does everything have to be pandering to China now?
Overall I would rate Now You See Me2 as a 5/10 movie. It isn’t as good as the first one, but it isn’t a movie you can’t enjoy if you can suspend your disbelief for a few hours. But the news that the studio and the director have started development on Now You See Me 3 sort of makes me want to throw up in my mouth a bit. One sure thing is that I will certainly not be reserving first row seats for it